Wikitopia/Issue Three
(Grave approaches 06's office. Just before he opens the door, he covers the header of one of his files with a post-it note. The file is a contract to buy the Russian Trojan antivirus from Wikia. He enters.) 06: Ah, Grave, do pull up a chair. (Grave sits and places the forms on 06's desk.) 06: Oh, you have the forms, brilliant. (He pauses.) Do tell me, how are things at home? How's Derkfgt? I haven't had chance to invite you both round for dinner lately. Grave: We're fine. Umm... (06 begins to read the paper.) Grave: We're trying for a baby. (06 looks up.) Derk has a fertility problem, it's being a real pain. 06: Well, I hope it works out for you. (06 signs the forms without reading and hands them to Grave. Grave leaves quickly.) ----- (Brent, Kaley and Cameron Cameron are sitting around a table in the pub.) Brent: So you're saying that a tsunami that killed tens of thousands of people was the American military testing a weapon? You're mad Cameron! Cameron Cameron: It's called a tsunami bomb. A strategically based nuke on the seabed. The technology has existed since the second world war. Kaley:'' (laughing)'' You're fucking mental Cameron! Cameron Cameron: Think about it, we're living on a planet with dwindling resources, do you two even watch the news? Brent: Don't be stupid Cameron, if just one of those theories was tr- Cameron Cameron: Well what about Utopia then? Brent: Don't get started on all that Nostradamus crap, tell him Kaley. Kaley: Well...I don't believe in it as such...but there are some things in it that are a bit...odd... Brent: Oh my god Kaley, how can you believe any of that? Y- Cameron Cameron: Why are you into it then? Brent: The artwork, the story, the imaginative vision. It's opening a door to another world, I don't want to diminish that by pretending it's real. Cameron Cameron: It's opening a door alright...a door to reality... (Everyone goes silent for several minutes.) Brent: What does that even mean Cameron? Cameron Cameron: I-I-I don't know. I'm a bit...drunk... (They all laugh.) Kaley: Well, no sign of Bloxx or Drew. What're we gonna do now? Cameron Cameron: Let's go back to my place and drink until we can't feel our legs. ----- (The three enter Cameron Cameron's house. They pass a strange looking young man who's drinking on the stairs.) Clarence: Who's the little bitch and the not-black-guy Cam? Cameron Cameron: Fuck off Clarence you virgin. Kaley: Who's he? Cameron Cameron: My cousin, Clarence Clarence. (Kaley and Brent give Cam an odd look.) Cameron Cameron: My family are shit at names. Kaley: So your name is actually Cameron Cameron? Cameron Cameron: Yeah. (The three of them enter the back room and close the door. It's full of computers.) Brent: What the hell is thi- Cameron Cameron: Over the past five years, I've used this technology to wipe all traces of myself from the world. No birth certificate, no bank accounts, no medical records. I'm invisible. I don't exist. Kaley: But you use your real name in the wiki. Cameron Cameron: Who'd be stupid enough to think that Cameron Cameron is a real name? I can lower my heart rate, pick locks, and if I was handcuffed to a radiator I could escape by dislocating both of my thumbs. Brent: But..why... Cameron Cameron: When the shit hits, Cameron Cameron will not b- (he spots a bottle of alcohol) ''Ooh, Slithevitz, it's Polish, it'll make us go blind. ''(Cameron Cameron pulls back the bed in the corner to reveal a trap door.) Cameron Cameron: Wanna see my nuclear fallout shelter? (Brent, Kaley and Cameron Cameron go down into the fallout shelter. They drink until Cameron passes out on one of the chairs, Kaley is curled up on the floor, and Brent is sitting on the bed still gripping the booze.) Kaley: Cameron? Cameron? (she giggles) Cameron Cameron? He's gone... (Kaley crawls over to the table and pulls herself up. She leans against the wall in a half drunk, half seductive pose.) Kaley: I guess that means we're alone Brent... (Brent gets up and grabs Kaley, but in doing so, bangs her head against the wall.) Kaley: Ow! Brent: Shit, sorry. (They start to make out and Kaley lies on one of the beds. It takes them several minutes of drunken struggling to pull off their clothes. Brent lies on top of her, positions himself, and then starts laughing.) Kaley: Wh-what is it? Brent: Um...My penis isn't working. (They both break down into hysterical laughter.) ----- (Brent wakes to find that both Kaley and Cameron Cameron are gone. He walks over to the table to see a note.) Gone to find Bloxx. Be back soon. -Cam ----- (Cameron Cameron approaches Bloxx's flat to find the police investigating. He approaches the head inspector.) Cameron Cameron: What's going on? Inspector Dom: The homeowner was found dead last night. He threw himself off of the balcony. Cameron Cameron: Bloxx wouldn't do that. Inspector Dom: It's on his records. He has a history of depression. Cameron Cameron: I knew Bloxx. He wasn't depressed. Inspector Dom: The records don't lie, son. Oh and by the way, in case we need to contact you, what's your name. Cameron Cameron: It's Cameron Cameron. (Cameron Cameron leaves.) ----- (Drew is shown returning to his neighbourhood. As he turns the corner onto his street, he sees Riley and Lee getting out of a car and approaching his flat. He turns and runs in the other direction, and runs into Hard Man Hippo.) Hippo: You little bastard! (The two struggle, and Drew stabs Hippo in the groin with a penknife before running away.) Hippo: You stupid little cunt! ----- (Conesses, 06's assistant, approaches Grave.) Conesses: You gave me the Russian Trojan contract. Did 06 really sign that? Grave: Sorry Consuela, your grammar is so shitty, I don't understand. Conesses: I don't think you gave him the right file. Grave: Just shut up and file the order Consuela. Conesses: Aha! So you do understand! Grave: Sorry Consuela, what was that? (Cons sighs.) ----- (Drew heads to his school. He is taken straight to the headmaster's office, who promptly calls the police. Drew sits there for five minutes, and then the door opens.) Headmaster: Drew, these policemen would like to ask you some questions. (Riley and Lee enter. Riley gives the man a cold glare.) Headmaster: Ok I'll um...I'll leave you gentlemen to it. (The headmaster leaves.) Riley: Where is KatieTheAndreaFan? Category:Issues Category:Wikitopia Category:Katie